How To Communicate Sexual Concerns With Your Partner

Open and honest communication about intimacy does not have to be overwhelming. Here’s how to approach aspects of the discussion that may change your relationship for the better.

Choose A Comfortable Time and Place

There may never be a perfect time to have a conversation about displeasure and dysfunction in intimacy, but timing and setting matter when it comes to sensitive discussions. Choose a moment when both you and your partner are relaxed and free from distractions.

A private, comfortable space where you can talk openly without interruptions is ideal. Pay attention when you are in a position to listen with full reception just as much as you are ready to voice your concerns. Avoid bringing up concerns during or immediately after sexual activity, as emotions may be heightened and result in defensiveness from either you or your partner.

Be Honest

When discussing sexual concerns, honesty is key. Be as direct as you feel comfortable describing some or all of your intimacy concerns with your partner. You may have to take a position of vulnerability by initially being honest with yourself to validate what you are feeling and experiencing and that is ok!

Whether it’s physical discomfort, changes in libido, or emotional barriers, being clear about your concerns helps your partner understand what you’re going through. Use "I" statements, such as "I’ve noticed that..." or "I feel..." to express your feelings without placing blame.

Focus on Solutions, Not Blame

Approaching the conversation as a collaborative effort should be key while focusing on finding solutions between you rather than assigning blame. Emphasize that the goal is to improve your connection and mutual satisfaction. For example, instead of saying, "You never do X," try, "I think we could both enjoy it more if we tried Y."

This includes avoiding finding solutions by comparisons (Ie previous relationships, sexual encounters, popular opinions, etc). Instead, make the impact of the current situation clear and how you’d like to end the conversation with a mutual understanding of nothing less than the respect of the ability to communicate about intimacy between you.

Be Open to Your Partner’s Perspective

Allow your partner to express their thoughts and feelings during the conversation. They may have concerns or suggestions for improving your sexual relationship. Being open to their perspective fosters mutual understanding and can lead to more effective and maintained solutions.

Discuss Your Desires and Boundaries

In addition to any dysfunction that you may need to discuss, use this conversation as an opportunity to explore what each of you enjoys and where your comfort zones are. Discussing topics of arousal, what makes you uncomfortable or impacts your libido, and what you’d like to explore may deepen your intimacy and prevent misunderstandings.

Communicating in the style above may dispel assumptions and mismatches in sexual activity that have never been openly discussed. It is also a way to allow space for emotional, physical, and intimate safety that you or your partner can refer back to as a foundational anchor if recurrent or new concerns arise.

Seek Professional Help if Needed

Sometimes sexual concerns start with a conversation between partners but require professional help for in-depth evaluation and treatment options available. A thorough article on this topic can be referred to here.

If you’re unable to resolve issues on your own or interested in a full evaluation with a professional, consider seeking the help of a medical provider, therapist, or counselor who specializes in sexual health and/or couple’s therapy.

Follow Up and Keep the Conversation Going

Sexual health and satisfaction are ongoing aspects of a relationship, and it’s important to continue these conversations as your relationship evolves or changes. It is not uncommon for sexual needs to change with changes in health, advancing age, physical limitations, situational circumstances, or new interests in intimate exploration.

Check-in with each other regularly and compassionately to see how you’re both feeling and to discuss any new concerns or desires. Keeping the lines of communication open ensures that both partners feel heard and valued.

Remember, your relationship is a partnership, and working together to address sexual concerns can promote closeness and enhance your overall connection.

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